Excuse the Mess

My house is not as clean or orderly as I would like it to be. I’m trying to be okay with this, because this is what is at the heart of the disorder: I do not have time, and I value my marriage too much, to micromanage.

“Even SHE knows how to fold napkins the right way!” I exclaimed, gesturing to our 3-year-old as she took a napkin out of the drawer and folded it once more to complete the pattern: in half, in half, and in half again. My husband did not appreciate this outburst, and he appreciated it less when I reminded him I have been folding napkins this way for 6 years. (So they will fit in the drawers.)

Trudging up the stairs, I wearily found more things that had not been put away the way I had requested. I sank to my knees with my forehead in the pink shag rug.

I’ve been hit with a realization lately, that just TRYING harder to not sin DOES NOT WORK. I need to pray and ask God to change my heart. (You see, that’s kind of the whole reason Jesus came and died for us, because we can’t be righteous on our own.) So I’m trying to pray more. About everything, but especially about the things about myself that I know are wrong.

Like my heart in this moment. Why am I so MAD about some napkins and toys put away the wrong way? I took a moment to breathe and ask God for help. Then I began to analyze the situation (as I always do).

Well, I feel frustrated that after 6 years of marriage, he still is either not listening to me or choosing to do it a different way. My first thought is that this demonstrates a lack of respect or love. “If he loved me, he would try to do it the way I asked.” Because I told him that it makes it harder for me, when I can’t open drawers, or reach the towels around the napkins.

I mean, if he performed this way at his job, failing to adhere to the boss’s instructions for basic tasks, he would be fired!

But I’m not the boss. This is a marriage. We are more like coworkers. God is our boss. And my husband has the position of authority over our family as head, so I absolutely shouldn’t be telling him how to do things. In this analogy, I could request things of him with respect. But ultimately, it doesn’t matter if he folds the napkins the way I want him to. It matters if he folds the napkins the way GOD wants him to. It occurred to me that I need to trust that God will tell him if he needs to do something differently. And if not, then it must not be that important to Him.

So I take a deep breath and ask God to help me trust Him more and be okay with not having everything just the way I want it to be.

This story is not about us, after all. It is about God and how we fit into His crazy beautiful work.

It occurs to me now that asking hubby to fold the napkins my way might be akin to me showing up at his work and him telling me specifically how to detail a car. This is a job I rarely (actually, never) do. And it probably would take a while for me to retain this information. So, I pray for more grace and understanding of his perspective too.

So forgive my mess. I’m choosing to work on the mess inside my heart instead.

{Photo Credit: Annie Spratt}