The Unexpected Mercies of Online Dating

Usually, when people ask me how my husband and I met, I groan inwardly and think, “Great, here comes another condescending smirk.” I often fear that people will look down on me for using Christian Mingle, so I always make sure to inform them that I used it “as a joke” for only 4 days. 

I didn’t expect or even hope to meet my future husband online, but God has a great sense of humor and likes to throw wrenches in our plans. Looking back on our courtship, I can see 4 major reasons why meeting my husband online was actually a blessing.

1) I had an excuse to ask him for character references and have my police officer friend interview him.

Before I met Tim, he read in my online profile that “My best friend’s husband is a cop, and he will be interviewing any men interested in pursuing me.” And since I didn’t necessarily trust the validity of the internet (you could steal anyone’s photos from a social media profile and you can say anything about yourself online), I vetted him thoroughly. 

First, I asked him to prove his photos were actually photos of himself. How? I told him, “to prove once and for all that you’re not a creepy old man… Send me (in this order): a pic of you in a blue shirt doing a duck face, then in a red shirt throwing up a peace sign, then in a black shirt with your eyes crossed, then in a green shirt looking surprised.” And he did it. With a good attitude! 

After that I asked for three character references. I contacted Sam, TJ, and Jesse, and everything they said lined up with what Tim said about himself, strengths as well as weaknesses.

Finally, I sat down with my friends and we Skyped Tim (an AR lying disassembled on the kitchen counter behind us). The former drug detective assessed this man’s character and after the call he told me, “Either he is legit a really good guy… or he’s such a psychopathic liar that I couldn’t tell he was lying.” I took the risk and assumed he wasn’t a psychopath.

2) I didn’t worry that he might just like me for how I looked. 

My initial plan was to post a profile without including a photo, but Penny told me I wouldn’t connect with anyone without one. I picked a few photos that I hoped were realistic depictions of how I looked on both my most average and best days. Upfront, I shared how un-photogenic I could be, hoping to keep expectations low, as I often do.

3) We got to know each other really well before getting attached.

When you meet someone you find attractive, you usually develop a crush before finding out important things like, “what’s your stance on politics, or what is the best war to do?“ (—Erin Hannon.) Rose-colored glasses are real. In the past I have overlooked serious incompatibilities because I cared for a person. But this time, I had nothing to lose, plus I was already skeptical. This allowed me to truly “guard my heart.”

I decided it was better for him to quickly find out everything about me that would cause him to not want to continue getting to know me—so neither of us would waste our time. We discussed every controversial topic either of us could think up. Hopes and dreams, fears and regrets.

I was blatantly, unapologetically blunt. And yet, it was so easy to talk to him. It felt like chatting with an old friend from college. We seemed to have so much in common that I started to wonder if he was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear.

So I tested the waters. 

“What do you think about living together before you’re married? Don’t you think it’s important to see if you’re compatible?” 

He responded with disappointment, as though he had finally found evidence that I was too good to be true. He told me that he didn’t think that was honoring to God and that he wouldn’t be comfortable with living together before marriage. When I told him I had been playing Devil’s Advocate, we were both relieved, and I was joyfully satisfied in his strong convictions that just happened to align perfectly with mine.

(I also Facebook-stalked him for evidence of consistency.)

4) I never had to worry about what he would think once he discovered my shortcomings.

Why? Oh, because I spelled it out very plainly in my profile. I stated, “I don’t want a dog—I’m allergic. But I want lots of kids. Maybe two or five… I used to want to be a clown. Then I realized they’re creepy. Then I met a real clown and she wasn’t creepy… If you make me laugh and you’re lucky, you might hear me snort. (It’s actually exhaling, not inhaling, so I’m not sure it can technically be classified as a snort.)… I’m not easygoing.” Before Tim even met me, he knew many of my shortcomings. 

I was very honest with him from the beginning. On day 3 I told him the darkest parts of my past, in case it would make him want to stop talking with me. He blew me away with the grace he offered in response. It was still very painful to share and hear stories of each other’s sin and scars, but it was less painful learning this about a new friend, rather than a long-time lover.

All this—with lots of prayer and discernment and insight from loved ones who knew me well—created a pretty effective, safe environment for getting to know my future husband. Thank God that He knows us better than we do and is capable of orchestrating things according to His perfect, loving, wise, and good will.

The first day we met in person.

---

Wedding Photo courtesy of Natalie Puls Photography